I think I'm doing well with keeping a positive mind.

my moms in florida, she went to the funeral etc. my grandpa will be moving down here to I've with her and my (ex)stepdad.

ummm I'm all registered & everything for school. I have no idea where my classes are though haha. ill check it out tomorrow. I'm excited though, I need something new.

I was looking through my Computer Aided Drafting book & its all dirka to me, but I guess that's why they teach you.

my birthday is coming up soon! this I'm excited about cause ill be 21 & won't need to be paranoid about drinking. annd it'll be the first year I've had a party since I was ten haha. Allison and I are supposed to celebrate together so yay.

I'm feeling better day by day. but I miss my grandma very much. her passing has enforced my views of always telling people that you care about them, when you do because you might not always get that chance. I never got to tell her goodbye or all of these other thoughts and I can't dwell on it, but I won't make the same mistake again.

my grandma died last night.

i rented mario kart wii today very excited to play.


thats all i have to say.

im listening to ms. b-spears & can't help but shake my ass.


tonight, im going to P.F. Changs with co-workers.
im finally kind of excited to go back to el paso, i think it'll be better this time around.



kvlt kvnts says:
and i also finished the ay demo, and i totally mentioned you in the thank you's, so you don't have to be paranoid about that anymore. : D
Stephanie says:
haha now i can finally sleep at night, babylove.

in two years my mother retires from the amry and we are going back to visit Italy.
i wonder if we'll get to see our old house, who lives in it now.
i wonder how much has changed in our little, mostly italian neighborhood.



i overeat quite a lot.
instead of having just one or two pieces of pizza, i eat about four or five or more until i cant move.

today: i will watch Across the Universe, eat more pizza, drink fuzzy navels.

and be happy.

i want to know how long it takes me to run a mile.

so, im not really one who's into "fashion"
or at least i wasnt.

i've found myself watching project runway & The Shot (except the shot doesnt come on anymore), not so much for looking at the clothes/ladies, but i love the labor that goes into the process of making a garment/producing a beautiful picture etc.

that being said, i love this dress:




( rant )

I'm going to urban O. today, cause i want that lomo fisheye camera.
but i was looking at their site, and i really want this:


cause, mostly im a pervert & well, i really do need a new mouse :)

-wes is coming home today maybe.
-carlos and I are going to go shopping & eat & probably see Juno, so im excited.

i need batteries for my camera, i've realized that i've never really posted pictures of my living space. so that will come soon.

why didnt anyone tell me that i'd love jack johnson? im so behind on the music thing.

VoicePost 214K 1:04

(no transcription available)

im a douche.
word.

things i'd like to do this summer:

i want to go to cali. or maybe lake Havasu, or really just anywhere with a large body of water.
i will chop most of my hair off.


things i need to do soon:
get ink for my printer
buy polaroid film


i was talking to wes, i think maybe in a year or two i'd like to move, maybe to washington or california, or somewhere. i'd like to have a career going and i'd like to be able to transfer jobs/schools to where ever i'd like to live. i really miss the ocean, but i dont think i'd ever want to live on the east coast. i miss living in a place that has actual seasons, also. not just hot/not so hot.

both of my babies are sleeping right now.
i have to admit, i like waking up before everyone else in the house it up and it's still mostly quiet.
to be honest i've watched junk tv [VH1] since about 6a.m.

allllllllllllso
i've thought about maybe getting a part time job at the photo department in walgreens, so maybe i could learn how film is developed or something.

this is the end of the most self-absorbed post ever.

what are your dreams/ambitions?

i made another journal.
for poetry/pictures
add it, or dont.



oh_parenthesis

f r i e n d s
c u t

i just cut a lot of you from my friends list because:
o1. you never commented
o2. you never updated
o3. your journals werent interesting to me [sorry]

anyhow, the rest of this journal will be friends only.
i'll be posting more & posting pictures so. yeah.

if you'd like to be added. leave me a comment explaining who you are.

i am afraid of napalm gas.
there is no logicality behind this, except for the pictures i've seen of children running with their faces melting. i have never been in a situation where i though "oh shit, i have to watch my back for napalm." it's not like being afraid of getting shot in the ghetto, or being raped when walking home at two am. no, but i am deathly afraid of napalm gas.

living means dying.
this is a fact. when you are given life there is the understanding that you will die one day. without death we would not appreciate life. each breath we take could be our last, and so many of us hold back on the things we do. not to say that we should do something that could eventually cause harm to others, but we should not live in fear of the inevitable.

i understand that i will die, but i do not fully embrace the fact. i resist death, which is foolish because i know that i am going to die. i am okay with the fact that i am dying, but i am not okay with the process of dying. i do not want to be in pain whenever it happens. i cannot pick in choose how i will die, it is not up to me, yet still i resist.

i was reading about self-immolation, how Thich Quang Duc didn't make a sound or move while he burned himself. people watched as his flesh was charred. i want to be that okay with death. i want be able to face a situation and my reaction be "if i were to burn right now, i would not fight, i would not reach for water."

i feel that this fear is something holding me back from doing a lot of things. not just the fear of death entirely, but, on a smaller spectrum, losing things. i've gotten better at letting go of my attachments to material objects, and to people. but i still hold onto [mostly subconsciously] the emotions i have in reference to people. the way i feel when im around them. these people are impermenant, yet still i dont want to lose them. not at this moment, and i drag the moment out as long as i can. sometimes i wonder whats stopping me from letting go of everything without warning, from packing up and leave. because i know it's all going to be gone one day. but i suppose thats where the phrase "if it's not broken, dont fix it" comes into play. but theres also the difference between non-attachment and pure apathy.

eh. this is what happens when i have time on my hands

so i got to see circle takes the square, and of course they were fucking dope. i got a poster & drew signed it and he spelled my name wrong but thats okay cause he's so super adorable.
the show was good minus the scene kids & some retard yelling that he wants to lick kathys pussy, which was super lame. oh, and minus JERM not being there.
they opened up with my favourite song same shade as concrete and just gah. goodness.

( pictures of the show stolen from jen. shut up )

yeah. thats the hilight of my year. umm spring break...woo. ha, i've been doing the same thing: sleeping and waking up next to the same boy. hanging out with friends. goodtimes.

theres an emptiness
in midnight drives. all around
like oxygen. no escape.
three strikes,
and you're out of cigarettes
and im out of the bed
-and he said-
"im so afraid of these feelings
i'd rather kill myself [slowly]
than experience [full on]
love, full on, passion."
--partial failure. you dont
fool me. the end was presented
at the start, and im wondering
if i should jump ship now,
or wait for things
to go awry.

and suddenly it occurs to me,
i've slept alone before you

we've spent so many nights breaking the moon and now theres nothing but static between us.


i don't know if words can be said to mend this rift, or if it's just something i have to learn to live with. i will continue to make amends with people i have crossed, and still this will be between us because we can not bring it to the surface. we shuffle phrases around and go silent when theres nothing left, and there's nothing in our silence. i am sorry.
i feel like an intrusion. an apendage that's not necessary. i feel lonely at your side because you only talk to me to teach me.
we [you] side-step eachother [me] on purpose, not by default. i notice.

i wont stay around if i make you uncomfortable. i will not force my gaze on the carpet. i will not lie anymore and say im not bothered. i once felt safe and now i just feel guilty.

you are glass. your breath on my neck
and i can feel every incision.
you call me a sadist, i smile.
bite down. this time it is
my skin between a vice.
you are nothing i ever thought you would be,
pixelated hologram. this is a battle
you will not win. i will kneel
over tile and powder-white lines
claiming to be the victor.
bloodshot eyes see everything
and you are nothing all at once.

you thought i was down for the count.
you had me pinned at the wrists.
i saw my body writhe
in the reflection of your eyes
-- glossy like a junkie.
is that what i do to you?
pain makes you remember,
i'll be sure you never forget.
we'll play this game together.
roulette & vodka. the winner
ends up dead.

theres blood on the sheets & you cant wash the nights away.

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what is is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands
 -e.e. cummings

( . )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKOB!




perhaps the best boy i've ever known.
you should probably have the best day ever because you deserve it.

((nineteen years ago something wonderful was created.))

try not to
slip away in this
storm-
the one that tore
you apart, and
us apart, and
perhaps
we were never really
together to begin with.
because sometimes,
[with my head between my hands]
sometimes,
i say to myself,
--he is the b-side
to my poetry.
and i know im wrong
in all aspects
of [my] life,
and [y.our] life
is just a little
too much.
[it's all so real, and im a little fake, and we p l a y these games.]
and it's leaking
like the water from the faucet
of that no-star motel
that we never really went to,
but you told your friends we did, anyway.

this was all just a second thought to what first crossed my mind.